


Oh, #&@!%

by Topographical_Map_Of_Utah



Series: Along Came Baby [27]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Babies are weird, Domestic Fluff, M/M, Modern AU, Rated T for language, Trans Poe Dameron
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-08
Updated: 2017-04-08
Packaged: 2018-10-15 06:48:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10551882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Topographical_Map_Of_Utah/pseuds/Topographical_Map_Of_Utah
Summary: Baby's first words are meant to be cute and adorable and wonderful, but it's Finn and Poe we're talking about, here. Nothing ever goes as planned.





	

"If I could survive Afghanistan, push out three fucking children, and deal with that time your dad got shot, I can bake a fucking birthday cake." Poe insisted as he batted smoke away from the smoke detector. Sam gurgled and clapped from his highchair in the corner of the messy kitchen, which Poe took as an agreement. Perhaps relying on a ten month old baby for affirmation was a little bit sad, but he didn't care. Baking was a taxing activity, after all.

"Moment of truth, Sammy. Wish me luck." After taking a moment to compose himself he pulled the pan out of the batter-stained oven, only to sigh at the charred, bubbly remains of what he had intended to be a red velvet cake. Unfortunately, instead of looking light and fluffy and delicious, it had the appearance of lava cooling into crumbling black stone. Even icing couldn't fix this catastrophe of a pastry.

"Well, that's just fucking great." Poe grumbled, brow drawing together as he puzzled over the mess he had made. Maybe he had added too much oil? He had probably put too much oil. Entirely possible he hadn't been supposed to put any oil in to begin with, but he couldn't be sure. Poe groaned and scooped up Sam to feed him, looking around at the disaster on the counters while Sam suckled. He hated to admit defeat, but this was his second attempt and his supplies were dwindling. It had gotten to the point where he had had to measure the flour with a shot glass.

"Let's leave the cooking to Dad, Sammy. Least he knows what he's doing in the kitchen. But it kinda sucks that he'd be baking his own birthday cake. What d'you think I should do to make it up to him?" he asked, smiling when Sam pulled away from his chest with a little burp.

As an answer Sam laughed and squealed...something. Poe stiffened like a statue. The word was very similar to _duck_ , but unfortunately, not quite as innocent. Once Poe recovered from the shock of an infant telling him to do _that_ he blinked, not sure how to proceed. There wasn't really protocol for when the first word out of your child's mouth is an expletive.

"Shit." Poe breathed after awhile. Sam opened his mouth again and Poe covered it with his hand. Who knew what would come out of it next. "Where the fuck did you learn-" Actually, he had just answered his own question. Before he could cause any further damage Poe bit down on his lower lip and tried not to cuss, staring at his adorable little baby with wide, horrified eyes. 

Oh, Finn was going to kill him.

 

\------------- 

 

"Fuck."

"Sam, you're not supposed to say that. Don't say that."

"Fuck?"

"No!"

"Fuck!" Sam giggled in delight, wriggling in his high chair. Apparently he was as happy about this as Poe was terrified. He had been pacing the kitchen for half an hour after cleaning everything, chewing on his thumbnail and shaking his head while he read through article after article about first words on his phone. None of them had any info on how to change them, though.

"I'm fucking screwed..." he mumbled, wincing when he realised he had just cussed again. It had been a stroke of luck that the first two kids hadn't picked up on his bad habits. Poe should have known his luck wouldn't hold. "Anything else. Please say literally anything else. I'll pay you." he added, quite serious about it. "Once you understand what money is, I'll give you five dollars. All you have to do is not say that word in front of your Dad, which you'll do if you like having a Papá. How's that sound?"

"Fuck!"

Poe groaned and knocked his head against a cupboard, not quite sure how to dig himself out of this hole. It was entirely possible that he would just have to accept his fate, really. That was the worst case scenario, though. Rey made them little quilt blocks with first words on them, and for a moment Poe pictured one with _Fuck_ lovingly embroidered on it, an image that became more distressful the more he thought about it.

"I am a terrible role model." he mumbled, scooping up Sam and hugging him close. He was the family teddy bear, really. Poe sometimes kept him in his lap just to take advantage of how warm the little guy was. He was still pondering whether or not he could pretend that _fuck_ meant something different in Spanish when the front door swung open and Finn stumbled in, whistling and smelling strongly of charcoal. Poe was pretty sure he could recognize Finn by scent, honestly. Being a fireman seemed to come with its own cologne.

"You're home early." Poe stammered, trying to sound casual. Finn shrugged good-naturedly and peeled off his jacket, checking that he was free of soot before stepping off of the doormat. 

"Put in extra a couple weeks back and decided to take advantage of that. Hi, sweetheart." After pecking Poe on the cheek Finn scooped up Sam and blew a raspberry on his silky belly, making him squeal. "Hey, kiddo. How's it going?" Sam opened his mouth and burbled something, but he seemed to be concentrating on getting out something a little more distinct, which really shouldn't have scared Poe as much as it did. "What was that?" 

"Fff..." Poe braced himself for the worst. "Finn!"

"What?" Sam repeated it and Finn laughed in delight, peppering the top of his curly little head with surprised kisses. "Wow. Okay, not quite _Dad_ , but okay. Why does he know my name?"

"Good question." Poe looked down at Sam smiling smugly in Finn's arms and shook his head. These kids were just full of surprises, weren't they? "Guess I owe you five dollars, kid."

"What?"

"Nothing."

**Author's Note:**

> my first word was shadow and my sister's first word was flat out NO, so my parents didn't have great first word experiences, either


End file.
